Pink Dating App Advice: How can a lesbian girl show interest in an older woman?

On Nov 1, 2019

Yesterday a lesbian girl has given us permission to share her query and our response in this article, so that many more lesbian daters will benefit from this blog.

The pink dating app user’s question:

Dear Dating Coach at DatingAppsAdvice.com

I’m a 21-year-old lesbian girl and I have a crush on a 39-year-old lesbian woman. But she was my teacher when I was a Year 12 student in high school (I was already 18 years old at that time), but it’s very embarrassing – we met each other again on a pink dating app. Actually, she is probably interested in me as well because she has initiated most meetups with me. Last week, I noticed a hickey on her neck. What should I do?

—- Embarrassed Emily, Toronto, Canada

Our detailed response:

Dear Embarrassed Emily,

Because you are both adults, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly normal for you to meet each other again on a pink dating app. You are not her student anymore, so next time when you see her again, you can see whether there is a spark between you two.

After you’ve initiated the lesbian topic, you will see what she is going to say. If she continues this lesbian topic, you know it’s on because she clearly enjoys it. Then you can keep talking about this topic and gradually let her know you are interested in her by saying, “Actually, when I saw you for the first time, I was already in love with you. But I was so nervous that I didn’t know how to tell you about it.” (Say this slowly and sincerely while the background music is soothing and romantic – hence the coffee shop is a good place. Just imagine a Hollywood movie – after saying “actually”, you pause for one second, and then you continue talking – that will create an even more powerful effect.) If she doesn’t enjoy it, you will know it, too. By the way, you just tell her that you fell in love with her (or you’re attracted to her) – it’s a compliment, so she can’t blame you. Don’t worry about fear of rejection because there is nothing to lose in this case – if you’ve tried your best, there is no regret.

Before you tell her that she is attractive, you can prepare the ambience. For instance, as you two are having a casual conversation, make sure you slow down and occasionally introduce pauses to the conversation. Don’t worry about awkward silence. In fact, silence is the best tool to use this technique: You look at her eyes for two seconds, then you look at her nose for two seconds, and then you look at her lips for two seconds. You don’t need to count the numbers in your head, but you’ve got the gist: Your eyes gradually, slowly ‘travel’ on different areas on her face in a slightly “drunk” way. That’s called “bedroom eyes”. Of course, you don’t have to wait until you two are completely silent in order to try this technique. You can do it when you are having a very relaxed conversation with her, talking slowly.

As she has initiatedmost meetupswith you, you can definitely contact her first next time. That’s because she also needs to make sure that you actually feel attracted to her. If she is doing all the work and you don’t proactively pursue her at all, then she might lose confidence in this process, even tough both of you were on the pink dating app.

You don’t need to confront her because confrontation will probably push her away. Because she showed up with a hickey and was exposing it to you, you know there must be someone else in the picture. But no one knows whether she has a stable, long-term relationship or she only has casual flings. Therefore, you need to find it out when the context is right. The right context can be:

When she mentions topics such as sexuality, pink dating apps and relationships;
When she gives you hand strokes;
When she invites you to her house for social reasons (or random excuses);
When she asks you out for coffee.

Any of the above-mentioned contexts are the right contexts, so in any of these contexts, you can bring it up by giving her a compliment sexually. And then she will have to tell you things you need to know, e.g. if she is in a committed relationship and can’t date anyone else, she will have to let you know; if she is in an open relationship or she only has casual hook-ups, she will happily accept your offer and sleep with you, as long as she also feels attracted to you.

By the way, if she happily accepts your offer, you know she isn’t in a serious relationship and that hickey came from a casual lover (maybe they met each other on the pink dating app, too). So, in this case, you don’t have to ask her deep questions regarding her relationship status.

When you see her again next time, you have to let her know that you feel very sexually attracted to her and you want to become her lover. Make it a compliment. Meanwhile, you will need to get rid of her concern by saying “I’m not a student anymore” and “Others don’t have to know this” in a relaxed and confident way. In fact, you are not a student anymore and you two are free to date whoever you want now. Of course, you don’t need to tell anyone about it. But even if someone knows your sexual relationship with this teacher, they can’t do anything because you started a sexual relationship with this teacher after graduation.

I know some high school teachers married their ex-students. They started relationships with their ex-students after these kids graduated from high school. And that’s totally okay. Even though the authorities might want to do some investigation, nothing happens because those relationships didn’t start before these kids’ graduation.

Since this teacher doesn’t have good pick-up skills (although she is on a pink dating app), that’s even easier for you because you have more control. When you see her again next time, make sure you talk about something else, e.g. the weekend, life, and so on. Don’t focus on serious topics. Because you already have something in common (you are both lesbian women), you can talk about lesbian topics as well. For instance, you can even talk about your own relationship stories. When you talk about your personal life and you are vulnerable in front of her, she will feel closer to you and will probably share her personal stories with you as well. That’s the power of vulnerability – it builds trust.

At the end of the next meet-up, you can give her a hug because you’ve shared personal stories with each other. Don’t ask “Can you give me a hug?” Instead, just say, “Give me a hug.” This action will further break the pattern and change the direction of your communication with her. Do not look nervous because if you are in your head, things won’t look natural. Just remember that you don’t have anything to lose and then you won’t feel nervous.

In terms of the conversation techniques that you’ve learned from our blog, you can practice those techniques in front of a mirror at home. In this way, when you see her again next time, you will feel confident because you know you can do it.

Also, you can see a lesbian movie or read a lesbian novel before you see her again next time. This will help you get out of your head and get into your body because artistic expression (e.g. movies and novels) is less analytical and more creative/romantic. You might learn a thing or two from a lesbian movie or a lesbian novel as well.

Even if she rejects you, that’s also a good result because that proves you’ve tried your best instead of reaching for the low-hanging fruit in your life. Hence, no matter what happens, you won’t lose anything.

Warmly,

Dating Coach at DatingAppsAdvice.com